A parent’s job is not to protect their child from life’s challenges, but lead them through — offering support and tools for help them thrive in difficult times.
As a child life specialist and therapistI have worked with thousands of children and families dealing with illness, trauma, grief and loss. I observed the words and actions that reveal that the child is learning to deal effectively with life’s inevitable difficulties.
It’s not about staying calm or avoiding tears. It is about using strategies and skills to manage, tolerate and reduce stress when it occurs. That’s why children who do well they have high emotional intelligence. They are good at recognizing their feelings and using positive strategies to manage their emotions.
Listen to these six things you might hear from kids with high emotional intelligence:
1. ‘It’s okay to be sad’
Children with high emotional intelligence probably do trusted adults who taught them that it’s okay to cry and that all feelings are okay.
They know that it is natural to feel sad, angry, frustrated or worried in response to difficult situations. In the same way, they learned that it is okay to have happy, joyful or playful moments even in difficult times.
2. ‘I need some space’
Children with healthy coping skills can recognize and manage their emotions. They know the warning signs – racing thoughts, racing heart, tense muscles or a knot in the stomach – and feel comfortable asking for what they need.
They could head for their “coping corner” to give themselves time and space to use their pre-planned tools. For example, they could pick up a wheel or blow bubbles to help them breathe deeply.
They likely learned these skills by watching their parents model self-regulation and open communication.
3. ‘Are you okay?’
Emotionally intelligent children can recognize emotions in othersalso. They understand that both adults and children can have strong feelings during difficult times and that everyone copes differently.
They might be the first to recognize it when they my friend is upset, they may need space or a hug and that’s okay.
Empathy towards others is natural to them, and they show ease and comfort in listening to other people’s perspectives, respecting their needs and working together.
They understand that even when their parent is emotional, they can be loved, cared for and safe.
4. ‘I don’t like…’
Children who practiced setting boundaries for how they would like to be treated, they have a high emotional intelligence. They can communicate effectively their needs, desires and feelings while being sensitive to another person.
They might say, “I don’t like it when you use my stuff without asking,” or, “I don’t like not knowing what to expect.” Or you may hear other statements that begin with:
- “I don’t agree with…”
- “I don’t want to talk about…”
- “I don’t think it’s nice/funny when…”
They also consider respecting the needs of their peers and siblings.
5. ‘I was wrong’
This expression indicates that the child is self-reflective and has no shame. Instead of being afraid to commit or admit mistakes, they are able to talk about it and solve the problem to improve the situation or circumstance.
They also recognize what they could have done better or differently because they know that mistakes are who we are grow, learn and develop through challenges.
6. ‘I have an idea’
Confidence and creativity in solving problems are signs of emotional intelligence and healthy coping. Children who have faced difficult situations have learned to work with their peers and trusted adults to find reasonable solutions or ways forward.
They feel confident expressing their opinions, ideas and qualities while also listening and learning from others.
When children overcome obstacles and consequences in a safe environment, they can develop decision-making skills and flexibility while nurturing emotional awareness and self-esteem.
It starts with you
If your kids aren’t saying these things yet, don’t worry. Emotional intelligence and coping skills take time to develop and often begin with parenting.
Simply start by saying these things yourself. Children learn best from what is modeled for them.
Kelsey Mora is a certified child life specialist and licensed clinical professional counselor who provides tailored support, guidance and resources to parents, families and communities affected by medical conditions, trauma, grief and daily life stress. She is the owner of a private practice, mother of two children, creator and author Method workbooksand chief clinical officer of a non-profit organization A group of pickles.
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