It’s been a while since I’ve felt this uncomfortable.
I had a free afternoon last week and saw Do not speak evil (trailer here), a horror/suspense film about a family that goes to visit another couple they met on vacation.
AND shockingthings don’t go as expected.
If you have seen Episode “Dinner” Office where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house on the most awkward house party ever, and I thought to myself…
“What if this was a two-hour horror movie instead?”
…that’s basically the plot Do not speak evil.
This movie is based on the 2022 European movie of the same name, so of course I had to watch it as well. And man, that version was even more grim and shocking.
This movie has some really sharp commentary on relationships, masculinity, and even parenting…
But here’s why Speak No Evil made me so uncomfortable:
This film asks the question, “How far are we willing to go to keep the peace and not hurt someone’s feelings?”
I’m always joking how much he is a people pleaser who avoids conflicts I did, which means this movie shook me to my core:
Which brings me to the topic of today’s newsletter!
Guilt and overcommitment
My father was raised in Episcopalianism (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised in the Catholic faith. My mom always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”
So as children we went to the Episcopal church.
And despite that, I managed to get it all Catholic guilt!
I will bend over backwards to keep the peace. I will do my best not to offend. I’ll overdo it, I’ll put myself in really frustrating situations, simply because I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
In short, I wouldn’t do well in it Do not speak evil.
I used to think that it was only me who was nice, but I realized that it was something else.
I was disrespectful to myself and my own well-being!
Over the years I have learned to establish and enforce healthier boundaries. Not only to protect myself from others, but to protect myself… from myself.
I have a hunch that there are quite a few people reading this newsletter who also love people, struggle with burnout, and feel overly committed right now.
If that’s you, I have a truth that’s hard to hear.
The solution to burnout is not a yoga retreat
When we feel burnt out, overworked and overwhelmed, we think the solution lies in a very specific form of self-care:
- Escape: We just need a massage or a “digital detox” or a retreat.
- Success: We just need to work harder in the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!
The problem is that all these solutions treat the symptom, not the root cause.
As pointed out in Anne-Helen Peterson I can’t even:
“Burnout is not solved by going on vacation. You don’t solve it with “life hacks” like inbox zero, or using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or making a Sunday meal for the whole family, or starting a bullet journal. You can’t fix that by reading a how-to book.
It’s not fixed by a vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro technique, or freaking overnight oats.”
As I say in my essay on problems with self-carethe solution is not found in a yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor is it found in a journal or meditation app.
The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We must first put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others.
Borders protect against burning
We people pleasers spend most of our time keeping the peace and meeting other people’s needs, rarely considering our own.
We are usually so overwhelmed, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and potentially feel resentful that our generosity is taken for granted.
problem?
No one else is responsible for setting our boundaries.
It is up to us to determine, explain and protect them.
This is where the boundaries come into play.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to really consider our needs too. Something I haven’t thought about in a long time. I bet there are a lot of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who also didn’t consider their own needs in the a long time time.
This doesn’t mean that we need to suddenly become “I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTER”, but rather it means that we need to deal with the fact that our feelings and needs are valid and that we need to take care of ourselves if we are going to take care of others.
As dr. Lakshmin points out in Real self-care:
“To practice real self-care, you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable—whether that means having uncomfortable boundary-setting conversations or making a clear and intentional choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over another.”
This is your challenge for today:
Say NO to the one thing you are currently saying YES to out of obligation or guilt.
Set this limit for your own well-being and mental health.
Yes, this will require you to lean on those around you and maybe even *GASP* potentially disappoint someone!
Especially if they are used to you saying yes to everything all the time.
I promise you, their reaction is not your responsibility to manage.
One last reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can’t travel through time, which means the only solution to burnout is to put less stuff on the plate.
This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves… from ourselves.
I’d love to hear what limit you set, so hit reply and let me know!
-Steve
###
Fast Boundaries: a cure for burnout? first appeared on Nerd fitness.
