He finally came to the interruption. After 15 months of relentless genocidal war, we are finally able to breathe a sigh with relief. Many of us could also return to their homes or what was left of them.
As we enjoy our time without a bomb, the world seems to be involved in a fierce discussion of who won. Is Israel winning? Or is Hamas one who can declare a victory? Or are the heroic Palestinian people winners?
I’m a nurse, not a pundit, so I have no answer to offer. But let me tell you, dear reader: The world should not be deceived by our survival. Staying alive in Gaza is not synonymous with heroism. Avoiding death is not a victory. We barely succeeded. Tens of thousands of Palestinians are not.
The genocidal war closed the time in a circle. There was no beginning or end, nor the destination we went to. We just continued in the circle, every day, returning to the beginning.
Every day, each family had to go out in search of drinking water, water for washing, food and something to fire with a fire. It all took hours to get it – if they got them at all. Bread – what we thought was given, right – it became a fight to find. The families ran out of money. Meal organizations have run out of meals. At some point, even flour filled with bugs and canned food that has expired luxury.
That circle is broken only by a disease or death. People would break the routine to bury their loved ones and grieve.
The outside world has seen many pictures and videos of the violent death of Palestinian children, women and men in the hands of the Israeli army. But they did not see another, quiet, painful death chronically ill or infected with diseases that can be treated.
We had that people with infections were dying due to the absence of antibiotics. We had people with kidney problems, because at some point dialysis was only available occasionally and only in very few medical institutions. These deaths were not added to the official number of death cases of genocide, and yet many of them were prevented.
In the sake of displacement campsites, bereaved surviving survivors could be seen, sitting quietly or sitting. After the victory of death, they would return to the circle of time.
After so many months of collective loss, oppression and longing, it felt like there was no longer room in the heart for more escape than death. I, like many other Palestinians, became terrifyingly calm, stunned.
Not too long ago, we filled the earth with noise, smiles and life. We carried our great dreams and hopes in us. But we could no longer recognize ourselves. “We are not like us. We are not us!” We thought.
The collective suffering was so absolute, so irresistible that she felt that there was no room for looking for comfort, no one would say what was going on from the inside because everyone was in that same dark place.
But a funny thing about mass pain and mass death, dear reader, is to push you to attach yourself to life, despite everything – especially despite your occupier. Everything in Gaza invited to your death, but you learned from pulling out your life.
Indeed, we are no longer, but we are not dead. The new versions of us have been created to continue the fight, to live more.
In an endless circle of time, people would still find ways to feel a pleasure or a sense of purpose. I did this by volunteering as a nurse in an improvised clinic and long walking in search of coffee. These were my deeds of defiance, living.
Fasting took a toll but I tried to see the other side. I often laughed that I finally scored a weight loss I wanted so much and never managed to get all the healthy diet I tried in the past.
I saw a white attack on my mother’s hair in the middle of a sharp life in a tent. But we also laughed at that. I knew these colors would not win her. She loves the colors and is the most wise woman in submission to her to suit her.
After 15 months of hell, we got out of our shelters and a tent to see the apocalyptic landscape. We still count the dead drawn under the rubble – which can only be recognized with a shoe or shirt.
I look through destruction and see us, survivors. Death did not beat us, not because we are heroes, but because we are people who love life. Dear reader, is watering to live a victory?
The views expressed in this article are the author’s and do not reflect the editorial position of Al Jazeere.
