I saw companies fail to succeed from sincere feedback. Here’s how to build a culture of honesty
“I’m waiting for you to retreat so we can divorce.”
It was not the answer that was expected by the Chief Financial Director of one of the largest American public companies when he tried the exercise of honesty in the workplace on his wife. He wrote her call for dinner, suggesting that they were talking about everything they had never talked about.
“Let’s talk about the things we need to say, but we may not talk today,” he wrote. “How is our partnership? How do I support you? What can I do better? I promise, I really want to hear how you think and feel.”
The honesty of her answer – and the honesty of the discussion that followed – preserved their marriage.
Waiting for dramatic moments to give feedback to miss daily capabilities to help each other grow. Feedback should not be saved for annual job examinations or family interventions at home. It is a gift we can give every day to those we care about.
Most of us would rather avoid such truths. We let the important things be unsaid in our relationships, at home and at work. We watch colleagues fighting and do not offer perspectives that could help them grow. We let frustration with loved ones until they pass. Half of Americans say that no one in their personal life tells them difficult truths – in the workplace this figure increases to 71%.
This type of feedback requires reviving the way we think about criticism. Most of us are conditioned from childhood to hear feedback as a directive; Our parents did not give suggestions when they said, “Don’t touch it!” or “Sit straight!” But feedback may be a gift of perspective, one that the recipient can freely accept, change or decline. As well as research data that help companies in making better decisions, feedback we receive are simply the phenomena of data that helps us see our areas where we can work and consider new opportunities.
I learned this lesson in a hard way. Growing up as a gay child in the Catholic Pittsburgh in the Blue Color of the 1970s, he left me deep insecurity and obsession with success at all costs. My defense walls and inability to give or receive sincere feedback have contributed to failed relationships, both personal and professional. I was a partner who couldn’t hear criticism without rejection, a leader who avoided difficult conversations until it was too late.
But I also saw what is possible when people are committed to everyday honesty. In a cosmetic company I work with, two higher executives demonstrate this daily. The Chief Financial Director noted that her colleague, a marketing star, could benefit from a deeper financial knowledge to improve his career. Instead of staying in her lane, she actively brought her peer to calls for earnings and investors’ meetings. In the meantime, her colleague trained the CFO -Ao storytelling and presentation skills, and their mutual investment in each other has helped each other in achieving the success of their company.
I saw that with my foster care son Daniel. Traditional parental and child directives did not get anywhere. But one day I tried a different approach: “Daniel, I’m interested in. Do you eat so at school in front of the girl you always talk about?” Offering observations related to something he cares about often promoted curiosity instead of defense.
The same approach acts in any relationship. “I have some thoughts that could help you be even more effective. Do you want to hear them? This is completely your invitation to what you do with this contribution – this is just my perspective, one information you need to consider together with others.” When we frame feedback in this way, we remove the pressure of the required change. More importantly, when we offer these perspectives daily practice, not to save them for formal conversations, we create a liquid dialogue that strengthens and helps everyone grow.
Simple practices can help you build this muscle. In Guatemala, we helped us to teach children in the poorest communities to be coaches of each other, transforming the results of education through the daily feedback of peers. In workplaces, I encourage teams to regularly offer thinking about ideas, competencies (such as leadership), skills (such as technology) and performance (holding each other responsible for delivery). Even families can benefit from regular applications about what it does and what is not.
One powerful practice is what I call “Open 360” – I used this practice countless times on the team, and recently is among the family office that included a large matriarch of families, parents and their three girls and their spouses. Each person alternates by receiving two types of feedback from everyone else: “What I admire the most is …” Follow “because I care for your success, what I could suggest is …” The structure makes it easier to give and receive a sincere contribution, but it is just a starting point for creating feedback in part of everyday family life.
An alternative to honest feedback – in conflicting avoidance – is far worse than the current discomfort. I watched the relationships delight from retained truths. I saw the companies collapse because people would not speak. In the time of polarization and fast change, our ability to give and receive honest feedback can determine not only our professional success, but also the health of our most important relationships.
Would you be surprised if you called more sincere feedback than those closest to you? The truth could save more than marriage, could transform the way we connect with everyone in our lives. It is a key memory that feedback is simply given information and freely received, best shared not in dramatic moments, but in small, daily interactions that build stronger relationships.
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