Sometimes you have to let kids figure out how to solve problems on their own or they have to bear the consequences of their decisions.
That’s what psychiatrist and bestselling author Daniel Amen claims. Too often parents make the mistake of “going overboard” for their children, resulting in “mentally weak children”, Amen told podcast “Built Different,” in an episode that aired Tuesday.
Such behavior — like doing your child’s school project yourself to help them get a better grade or giving them what they want solely to stop an impending tantrum — limits a child’s mental resilience and sense of independence, Amen said. And children are very resilient they are more likely to become happy, successful adultsresearch shows.
“If my daughter forgets her homework at home, no one takes her to school. If she didn’t bring a jacket on a cold day, even though her mother told her, no one brings her a jacket,” said Amen. “It’s important that when a child says ‘I’m bored’, it’s not you [fixing] that, just say ‘I wonder what you’re going to do about it.'”
“If you do too much for your children, you increase your self-esteem by stealing theirs,” he added. “[Humans] develop mental strength by solving problems.”
Building the child’s mental resilience it doesn’t require a “tough love” parenting approach. harsh punishments, Barnard College child psychologist Tovah Klein told CNBC Make It last year. Trying to shield children from disappointment also won’t help them build resilience, Klein said.
Instead, you can allow your children to experience failures, mistakes, and other difficult moments — letting them know that you still support and love them.
“I see it as more empathic, relatable [approach]. “This could be tough, and I’ll be here when you’re done,” Klein said, adding, “It’s a message of, ‘I believe you’re going to get through this tough thing, and I’m going to be here no matter how it goes, whether you win, if you lose, if you come in the middle. I’m here for you.”
Similarly, the more you encourage children to help the people around them – from everyday chores at home to their friends and colleagues at school – the more they will receive the empowerment and responsibility they need to confidently tackle their own challenges, American Psychological Association recorded in blog post from 2012.
“Let them start to understand their problems or the solutions to their problems, instead of overdoing it,” Amen said.
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