NEWNow you can listen to Fox News articles!
So, I’m back. And it’s true, I had a child. I’ve been out for a month and have chewed nipples to prove it. Eat your heart out, Mayor Pete. I guess that makes me qualified to lead Department of Transport. Speaking of trans… any man who thinks wearing a dress with a wig makes him a woman has no chance. I was there when that baby popped, and no guy can do that. You could also put on a diaper and pretend to be a baby or the president. But there are few things worse than someone in the media having a child. And not just because you have to imagine them having sex, but they act like they’re the first person to do it, like they just invented having kids.
GUNS ARE NOW LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH OF AMERICAN CHILDREN, CDC SAYS
it’s funny Many new parents just a few years ago told you that having children was selfish. How dare you bring another mouth to feed among the hungry billions? Then they have kids and suddenly their precious brat is the exception. They have gone from hating children to the children they can’t wait to change. I am more surprised that some mothers can be so pro-abortion. It’s like being biological Benedict Arnold. Because these moms know that having kids is the best thing they’ll ever do. Except ironing.
A SEXIST WOULD SAY!
But instead of suffering the vilification of their diaper-denying colleagues for pandering to the patriarchy, they encourage women to abort the one thing that gives them meaning in life. Besides watching this show, of course. So what is the male equivalent? Well, imagine a guy winning the Bronze Star and saying it’s not worth it. Sorry, that’s the only thing they’ll remember when they die. Well, that and an orgy with the cast of Facts of Life. Yes, Charlotte Rae really knew how to have fun. And yes, I’m comparing motherhood to war because it is.
THE SCIENCE OF FATHERING: WHY FATHERS MATTER
Women go on a nine-month tour of duty and end up so full of hormones and exhaustion that PTSD looks like athlete’s foot. And for this reason, we should treat mothers as conquering heroes. But the message from most libraries? Don’t have children. But if we do, it’s because our children will be better than yours. Because in the mediawe act as if everything we do is more important. But do you think my uncle Frank, the plumber, has to take a month off every time his wife pushes him? Please. This guy had the piston in his hand again three minutes after they cut the umbilical cord. Come to think of it, I think he took the clip to the birth, just in case.
So, I won’t brag. Seven billion people have gone through this. But if you’re shocked that I have a brat at 60, imagine how I feel. When my wife told me she was pregnant, mine was the first diaper she had to change. It’s not easy, but it’s not earth-shattering either. The lesson I learned is how much I have to unlearn. Meaning, through my lifeI have mastered the art of being selfish and it has helped me in my career. But a great career is not difficult when it’s all about yourself. Although there are exceptions. But if you work single-mindedly for ten years, you can master any profession except maybe pornography, because in five years you are already old.
Ask Trace Gallagher. He may be a silver fox, but you’re done when the carpet matches the curtains. So becoming a parent at my age makes me want to learn from many of you learned in his 20s30s and 40s – that you have to think of someone else. And it’s hard for me. My whole home has changed. Now someone else sleeps in the crib. But a wise person told me this – once you have a child, you can’t regret anything you did before because changing the past would erase the possibility of that child. Maybe that’s why Alec Baldwin keeps having kids.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE FOX NEWS APP
it’s great Suddenly I have no regrets after 60 years of bad behavior. So my message to you men and women. If you regret your past, have a child. That. That. It’s easy. Almost anyone can do it. And really, children practically take care of themselves. Right now, mine is sitting in the car twice parked outside. Don’t worry. I rolled down the windows.
